first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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