If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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