wanna go halves on a baby?
I look better un-naked...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
