You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
two words...techno handjob
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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