please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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