Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
that may or may not have been my penis.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
