'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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