Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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