tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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