i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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