Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You can't just leave with hair like that
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
