so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
