So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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