3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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