Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
