I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
