I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
