I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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