I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
