Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
