Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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