Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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