I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
