I am in a vortex of obligation.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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