Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He shit in the fireplace
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
