Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
why do cheetos always look like penises
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
