So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
