I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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