after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
