fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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