Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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