My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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