Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
