update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm always down for nudity.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
