I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i love accidental penises.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
