my room smells like sperm. sweet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
