Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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