you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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