What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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