Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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