his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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