Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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