Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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