i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
