I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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