Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
