update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The dick lei will go down in squad history
This toilet bowl is my home.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
