I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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