I just pynch a tree in the face
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
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