I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
