I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
