I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
