I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
