I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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