Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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