He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
