one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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