I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
