I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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