As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
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The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
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Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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